AutoTopic: Would You Rather Be A Food Critic, A Book Critic, Or A Film Critic?

On the surface this is an easy answer, because although initially it would be a close call between my love of good books and my love of good food, it occurrs to me that the Food Critic gig would necessarily involve travel to possibly exotic locations, like Kansas City (see note at bottom).  As I understand it, a book critic gets books sent to him or her to read but they get no choice in the title.  That for me tips the scale: Food Critic.

Now, followers of my rantings know I can’t just leave the answer right there and call it good.  I have an opinion and everyone is entitled to it, right?  Right – that’s what blogs are for.  So allow me to expand my thoughts on the three categories in order of increasing awesomeness.

Film Critic:  There is no way in hell I could, in good conscience, be a film critic because I generally have a fairly high threshold for being entertained by a movie.  This means it takes a lot to impress me.  Think Star Wars, The Matrix, The Godfather, and other good stuff.  Once the studios started showing me crap based on comic books or shitty remakes that completely screw up the original movie due to some ‘artiste’ director’s tastes, I’m gonna start handing out razzies left and right.  I’d come off looking like a cranky asshole… not that there’s anything wrong with that or that anyone would really notice.

Book Critic:  This one has some potential.  I love to read.  I once told Di I could walk into a bookstore with $10,000 and leave with pocket change and a hand cart.  This would definitely be awesome because this job would involve people sending me books for free – free! – to read and rate.  The only thing I’d worry about would be if I had a long run of romance novels (which I suspect would make me want to claw my eyes out) or books by libtard politicians spouting their personal, corrupt agendas.  Other than that risk, being paid to read free books that I get to keep and then have an opinion on them sounds almost ideal.

Food Critic:  This is the winning category.  I mentioned up front that not only do I get to eat free food and have opinions, but I suspect based on watching Food Network that they’d have to fly my ass to cool places to eat that free food.  How awesome would that be?  Unless I have to go to China and try deep fried goat balls with a side of grubs or similar on a regular basis, I’d be completely down for that action. The risk here (other than becoming more of a fatass than I am now) would be that I’d probably rate everything as “great,” and talk about it with my mouth full.  Food-wise, I have a low threshold for being impressed.  This is probably a function of eating too many shelf-stable rations in the field.

I guess until someone comes to me with a contract I’ll just keep rating stuff here on my blog.  To be safe, I’ll cover all three categories as I see fit from time to time.


Note:  Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ, 49th & Mission in KC, MO.  This Zagat’s-Rated establishment is – no shit – part of a BP gas station.  If you want lunch, show up around 10AM because the line is that long.  But it is sooo worth it.  I ate so much there one time I could not walk correctly.


31 Responses to “AutoTopic: Would You Rather Be A Food Critic, A Book Critic, Or A Film Critic?”

  1. I would definitely go with food critic as well. Although, to impress me all they would have to do is have a bottle of hot sauce on the table and free refills 🙂

  2. Once were having fantasies, why dont i just go with the best one? Boob critic.

  3. Film, definitely! Great topic to explore, by the way.

  4. I was thinking along the lines of beer critic. What better way than getting paid to be drunk of the brewski, or to at least act like I’m drunk. I’ll have such an acquired taste, Heineken will be used in my house as mouthwash…

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  6. Good luck with your new gig! Or should that be gag?

    I am opposed to eating baby eels, poached calve’s brain, grubs, deep fried worms, rooster comb, and any number of other bizarre “delicacies” that Andrew Zimmern has shared with his viewers (and his intestines).

  7. Oh…if only there were a job for “scotch tester.” Screw eating! In fact, I’m actively trying to find a way to have Talisker sponsor my blog. Don’t judge! It could happen!

    Also, @itchemeyer — why not combine two passions and open a restaurant that caters to both boobs and food…oh, wait. They already have Hooters.


  8. Yeah, food critic. Hands down.

    Now, if the list had included hotel critic, that would likely have been my choice. Being paid to have all expense paid trips to fabulous resorts and five star hotels; meanwhile the hotels are treating you like a king in the hopes of a good review. Hells yeah.

  9. John Erickson Says:

    Since this is an auto topic, I’d go auto tester. Believe it or not, some of the most fun I’ve had was with horribly under-powered cars. Blowing off a Porsche in a Toyota Corolla rattling so badly it’s breaking up kidney stones is a true experience. I dusted a Corvette from a stoplight with my Vega. And if the cops knew of 1/4 of what I’ve done with my Cavalier Z-24, my Email would be through! 😀
    (Not that there was anything boring about the 50-120 run in the borrowed Toyota Supra, or shooting down an on-ramp from a dead stop at the top to 90+ in the far-left lane in a rented Cressida in one fell swoop. Just sayin’ that cheap crap – think Chrysler K-cars – driven hard can be AWFULLY entertaining!)

    • HMMWV’s at 70mph can be exciting too.

    • John Erickson Says:

      Ever try a fast turn in the Ford “jeep” – M151 I think it was? You know, that cute little Nam-era vehicle that would fold the suspension up and make the wheels lay flat if you corner hard or go airborne. (Airborne is REAL fun in a Z-24, and all it requires is a little bump and a generous bootful of throttle!)
      Never tried a Humvee – though when we did a re-enactment at Fort McCoy, the guys there offered to trade a couple Humvees for our 1950s made-to-look-period Jeep. And they were dead serious about it – they HATED their Humvees! (This was mid-90s, so Humvees were just getting to places like McCoy.)

  10. food critic hands down…nothing really about boobs to criticize. continue…

  11. I enjoy being a film reviewer (I am not a fan of the word critic. I like to give my opinions on film but am always careful not to TELL someone not to watch a film, I merly advise them whether I liked it or not)
    Not sure I could be a food critic. My food reviews would always be ‘oh I Liked it’ or ‘No I didnt’ Im fraid I dont know enough about food to give any sort of paragraph about it.
    How about you deal with the food reviews, I do the film reviews, all we need is a book reviewer and we can rule the Earth 🙂

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