Breaking News: The Nineties’ Most Irritating Songs

I accidentally saw this on broadcast news (because this is sooo clearly more relevant than our economic implosion, retarded Congress, or the whole Libya/Syria thing) and saw it again online the next day.  Naturally, I couldn’t resist reiterating the list of “Most Irritating Songs” with my very own special commentary.

1. Aqua, “Barbie Girl” – No contest other than perhaps #5 ought to be up here tied for #1 (see below).  Not only was this song just irritating at first listen, it then got played again… and again.  Hearing the song played, it consistently made me think: “caffienated hormonal teenage cheerleader on crack.”  I nominate this as the Pedophile National Anthem because it’s f-ing creepy.  I’m glad this has fallen into obscurity because hearing this again would make me want to suck-start my Beretta.

2. Los Del Rio, “Macarena” – Overplay killed what microscopic goodness this effort at a song ever had, if it had any at all.  The stupid robotic dance didn’t help either.  This song merely provided a vehicle for tens of millions of people with zero coordination and rhythm to get out there and irrevocably prove it to the world.

3. Billy Ray Cyrus, “Achy Breaky Heart” – This one actually was tolerable until it became viral and non-country fans started doing ‘The Achy Breaky.’  At that point, it was death by overplay.  I am amazed Billy Ray has managed to suvive this period as an entertainer, though I admit the man can sing.  For me, the image of his mid-back-length mullet makes me reach for the brain bleach, and kind of kills the desire to play his other stuff.  And then there’s the whole Miley thing that makes me vomit in the back of my throat…

4. Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby” – Two words to describe this fail: white rapper.  Sorry, Ice, but you’ve got to pack the same volcanic rage level as Eminem to hang for long in the Rap crowd, and well, you didn’t.  Stealing music didn’t help either, and you’d think Milli Vanilli woulda demonstrated how music cheating works out for you.  Do not send any words to my mother or I will smoke you.

5. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping” – I’m still confused about this one.  I didn’t really like it at all to begin with and then somehow it became the Ultimate Drunken Party Song.  That equates to overplay, which truthfully could even kill “Amazing Grace.”  Also, WTF is the meaning of the band name, and what is ‘tubthumping’ code for anyway?  Is this obscure British slang?  I have a vague idea and it is nasty.

6. Hanson, “MMMBop” – Decidedly gay.  Not homosexual gay.  Just lame-ass, WTF-Zone, Boy-Band-Without-a-Dance-Routine, failwagon gay.  There are no other words.

7. Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On” – This one really ought to have been up there tied for #1, and #2 at the worst.  Hearing this tripe over and over clearly beats out middle aged, fat, white folks doing the Achy Breaky line dance badly.  I still want to shotgun Celine and then dig my own eardrums out with a shard of rusty metal when I accidentally hear this.

8. Baha Men, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” – Overplayed, overused, overrated.  Not a great song to begin with as well.  Is it Rap? Is it Reggae?  No, it’s crap.  I bet they put this in a continuous play loop in Guantanamo Bay to break Taliban prisoners.  If they don’t they ought to because that would be far more effective than waterboarding.  Except for maybe Celine.  To think that we could have ventilated Osama’s skull years ago…

9. Right Said Fred, “I’m Too Sexy” – I don’t know why but the lead singer’s voice somehow reminds me of the Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs (“It puts the lotion in the basket!”).  Creepy.  This is what you get when songs try to parody something, hit the mark, and then just become annoying.  Also, there’s a high level of fail in the band name alone.

10. 4 Non Blondes, “What’s Up?” – I have no idea why this song is even in the top ten, because Celine Dion ought to count for two of the ten slots just because that song sucks ass in such an epic manner.  Actually, while overplayed, “What’s Up?” is not a bad song.

I hope this was informative and entertaining for you.  Unfortunately it made me get Celine stuck in my head, and now I’ll have to get fall-down, vomit-in-my-own-crotch drunk to make it go away.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Disagree? Fine, because I didn’t make this list. Leave a comment and let everyone know which song you think should have been in the 90’s Top Worst.

14 Responses to “Breaking News: The Nineties’ Most Irritating Songs”

  1. Hahaha…thanks for the good laugh this morning! I have a video of Cody dressed up singing barbie girl with his friend…silly kid stuff! I should send it to just as I know you’d live to hear the song 😉

  2. Yup I’m pretty sure that is every worst song ever written and not just in the 90’s. Great list!

  3. John Erickson Says:

    Here’s a horrifically embarrassing event for ya – made more so by the fact I instigated it.
    I was re-enacting with a German group and was helping run an event in the town I lived in. A local paper photographer was there, but was ignoring us. (For background, I had been taking a lot of heat from friends about doing a “Nazi” impression – we were NOT Nazis, and took great pains to point that out at every event.) The photographer was wandering by when a young girl asked us if we could do the Macarena. (You see where this is going…)
    So, in a burst of angst, trying to give us a more “friendly” reputation, I managed to talk a half-dozen guys, dressed as German soldiers, to do the Macarena for the photographer.
    There is a special corner of Hell being reserved for me…..

  4. I agree on all of these songs, except for “I’m too Sexy”. I love that song. It’s funny. Men on the catwalk? Funny. You make a good point about the voice sounding like the guy in Silence of the Lambs. I think he showed up later in life as the Police Chief in MONK. It’s hard to tell, because his hair is shorter and hairline, receding – but I think its Buffalo Bill.

    As for Celine Dion…WHY? Why do they love her so much? WOmen would cry when she appeared on Oprah! ALL of that chest thumping with fake,emotion-powed fist. C’mon, people! Where is your taste? When I fisrt saw Titanic, 15 years ago, I liked the Irish flutes on that song. For about a week. Then we couldn’t get away from it. It followed me everywhere like a bad visual-odor. It stank.

    Love your rotten sarcasm.

  5. – I meant, “audio-odor”, not visual odor…that would make more sense, see? I lost my visual typing behind wordpress print…I’m having issues since they made some recent changes. Can’t see my subscriptions anymore, or read Freshly Pressed. An upgrade? It left me downsized and mashed like wordpress roadkill. Once again.

  6. Great list . . . except for #10. (Your comment is right on ~ give Celine two slots on the list and take 4 Non Blondes OFF the list:

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