Drive Thru Rage

“No, you can’t have it your f-ing way…”

For this post of marital hilarity, I thought I’d relate two incidents connected by a common theme: burger joint drive thru windows and the ‘tards who work them.  Each of us has lost it in a drive thru during our ten years of wedded bliss.  The best part of these situations is that neither of them was the fault of the other, so the uninvolved spouse could merely sit back and watch the awesomeness happen.  I’ll lead with Di’s incident because ladies do go first.

The Unresponsive Drive Thru Attendant Rage Incident.  We were putzing around post one day not long after I had returned from Afghanistan.  We had been doing routine shit together since we hadn’t had the pleasure for a year or so.  We had neglected lunch and Di was hungry.  The Burger King on post beckoned, and she pulled into the drive thru.  After communicating her order (a basic hamburger and a drink, no more, no less), we pulled forward and forked over the money.  Proceeding to the pickup window, we sat there.  And sat there.  And sat there some more.  Di’s burger was right… there… sitting just behind the sliding glass.  The attendant kept dicking around with the orders behind us, his ketchup and mustard array, the order tracker computer, and other bullshit like adjusting his pants.  He even opened the window and sat the drink there.  Next to the burger.  Di lost it and started yelling into the window, “Hey. Hey! Give me my hamburger!  It’s sitting right there!”  Window Boy was apparently suffering from earbud-induced hearing loss.  I laughed my ass off.  About three minutes later, after repeating this complaint, we got Di’s burger.  She ate her lukewarm burger bitterly as we drove home, mumbling around her bites.  Luckily I opted to not eat or I’d have choked on my food.

That one may sound like an “inside” family joke/story, but it was particularly funny because of this one incident that preceded it:

The Wendy’s Waterhead Rage Incident.  This one is mine, and it happened on some road trip after hours stuck in a car with two tween girls and a cranky Di.  We’d actually sailed by several fast food places trying to gain consensus on what to eat, the Daughter Units mainly confounding the process by their indecision.  Finally we settled on Wendy’s, which I personally refuse to patronize based on prior gastrointestinal incidents.  However, the hard-won agreement I was not about to sacrifice.  We ordered, and the attendant for some reason couldn’t seem to understand in English that I did not want A) tomato, or B) mayonnaise on my burger.  We revisited this vocally three times.  I paid, pulled forward, and we waited in a fog of tween hormonal argumentation until the food bag was passed.  I was suspicious based on the earlier communication gap, and opened my burger package.  Inside I found my burger with – you guessed it – A) two tomato slices, and B) a wad of mayo that I could use to grease a tank track.  Admittedly, I flipped out just a bit, and I flung the mayo-ey tomatoes onto the pickup window glass, where they hit with a splat and ever-so-slowly slid downward in a white, juicy snail trail.  I blame the day’s prior events.  Di was outraged at the time but she’s since admitted it was a total epic win.

As they say, it’s really, really hard to find good help.  We each laugh about these now and sometimes tell the story at parties.  People occasionally recommend we get our own show.


34 Responses to “Drive Thru Rage”

  1. Haha, I’ve been there man. Burger flinging and all. I don’t want to rag on the honorable job of fixing food but shit, it’s not that hard!

  2. In my experience Wendy’s is notorious for screwing up any “special” request. It always comes out wrong.

    A recent episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” briefly addressed the issue of food sitting there waiting to be served. Larry, the guy who ordered the food, simply went over and got the food. lol

  3. John Erickson Says:

    I learned years ago to just take what comes, and do surgery yourself. In the words of that old jingle from the King:
    “Take the pickle, AND the damn lettuce/ Special orders DO upset us/ All we say is you BETTER let us/ Serve it OUR way”.
    Imagine my delight to find, among the many other things to recommend her, that my wife LOVES the pickles from Mickey D’s. Some things are just meant to be.
    (And you must, MUST get to a White Castle. They WILL do your order correctly, the food is TREMENDOUS, and the onion rings are nirvana! Just keep your old NBC gear handy – an hour after, you will start to have fond memories of the time they threw you into the building full of CS gas without your gear!)

    • LOL. The gold standard for burgers is In-n-Out. Hands down.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Naw. Whattaburger in Texas. I was at a sci-fi con where George Takei (a health nut, among other things) was on a panel with some British actors who had been out drinking the night before. Oneof them, Ray Winstone, asked for a Whattaburger with all the trimmings – at 10 in the morning. A hungover Brit on one side, George on the other, and there’s Ray in the middle when the runner hands him a burger literally DRIPPING stuff off of it. Ray tears into it, the Brit to his right RUNS to the head, and George turns green – and I do mean green! One of the funniest panels I ever saw, and I have no idea what topics were covered. 😀

      • John Erickson Says:

        Tell ya what. I’ll come visit you, since there ain’t any In-n-Outs around here, and then you can come visit and get White Castle. THEN we can have it out. Deal? 😉

  4. We rarely frequent fast food drive throughs . . . for these reasons. It’s not always “fast” and it’s never “fun.”

    As vegetarians, we usually order fries and a shake . . . most of the folks working there can manage those two. 😀

  5. Omg your freakin hilarious man! Thanks for coming to my site, because honestly I’d never have come to yours. Sorry, but I’m scared of people in the army. They’re all rules, and guns, and they have their shit in order, which really makes me feel insecure.

    • You’re always welcome. And we’re people just like you in spite of the rules, guns and orderly shit, you know. All red and gooey on the inside…

      • 🙂 yeah, I get that intellectually. It hasn’t worked it’s way into reality yet though.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Guns? GUNS?!? Who’s got guns? You got guns? What kinda guns? GunsGunsGunsGuns (SMACK!!!)
        Sorry, my WW2 re-enactor persona got loose. I had to knock him silly (doesn’t take much) and get him back under control. Sorry for the interruption.
        (Actually, in all seriousness, any interesting stuff? I have a WW1 and a WW2 British Lee-Enfield and an old 1924 Czech Mauser.)

        • Whoa there. Keep your inner personas straight. BTW, nice weapons, both of them, particularly the Enfield. Mmmmm Enfield… *snap*

          Someday I plan on acquiring an M1 Garand and M14, but not before I get a brand-new Remington 700 series in 30-06 or .308. I have dreams of being self-sufficient for meat someday. Or keeping the zombie apocalypse at a 500 meter standoff.

        • Speaking of meat, if your goat gets lippy let him know I have tried goat in Afghanistan and found it quite delicious… you know, as a general warning… since I know you talk to your goat.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Just a couple of little problems. Blackjack ain’t mine – he belongs to the neighbor behind us, but I’ve befriended him (more like he’s taken to me). And Blackjack talks to me – I just tend to listen to sage wisdom. Sometimes we debate. But he’s always respectful, so no need to threaten the poor old goat.
        And “WW2 Re-enactor” is just one of my “inner choir”. And HE has German, Polish, British, Canadian, AND 2 separate American personae in him. (Yeah, like those Russian nesting dolls.) Suffice to say, I’m never lonely, but it does get crowded sometimes…..

        • First: me and the voices in my head, all of us, agree and understand. Our encouragement/condolences.

          Second: Dude, do you even know what people say about humans befriending goats? The #1 joke among Soldiers deployed to Iraq? Think about it. It’s all about the image…

      • John Erickson Says:

        You need to understand the local population. Trust me, down here, compared to a lot of the women, Blackjack would be considered an Angelina Jolie! And in a LOT of cases, he smells better, too! 😉

  6. TheIdiotSpeaketh Says:

    I think we have the same high-level of future rocket scientists working our drive-thru’s here….. yikes!

  7. Haha amazing! Should have filmed the Burger Flinging Incident!

  8. And the Worst is when you order something and are halfway home before you realize it’s not in the bag. Then you end up screaming to yourself the rest of the way home….

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