AutoTopic: If You Were An Inanimate Object, What Would You Be And Why?

The WordPress Random TopicBot spit this one out for me recently.  This suggested subject line made me laugh out loud because I think I am already mainly inanimate.  I know my cat (the small one of two, Dixie) thinks I need to be even more inanimate in order for her to snuggle and suck warmth from my bloated carcass.

But seriously here… I’m not confident I can arrive at one particular object, and so I’m making this a multiple-answer response.  I could also probably go on for pages here as well, and might just have to revisit this topic in the future with updates.  In spite of this equivocation, my thoughts:

Object:  Sofa.  It’s large.  It’s long.  It’s heavy.  It’s padded.  I could be a sofa right now with little modification.  Additionally, a sofa suggests a supine, relaxed position that requires little energy to maintain.  It also directly implies being in trouble with my Wife , and thus where I may will be sleeping.

Object: Recliner.  As with the Sofa, this furniture resembles the relaxed posture I prefer to enjoy.  Ours is also lumpy and squishy with some creaky joints.  Sort of like me.

Object: Laptop computer.  In other manifestations of me, I am quick-thinking and constantly analyzing things.  Electrically dynamic.  Then again, I am not very deep in measured depth and have a lot of easily-pushed buttons.

Object: Kitchen Knife.  In this example, I am specialized and skilled at a task, razor sharp and ready for action.  In other words, a kitchen tool, emphasis on ‘tool’.  Probably over-specialized too.  Occasionally dangerous.

Object: Can of Beer.  Okay, on second thought, this is a bad example because beer cans in my house are far from inanimate.  They are as full of beer as I am, however.  *uuurp*

Object: Warm, Moist, Soiled Sock.  This object portrays my close, warm, caring side.  It also highlights my sweaty aspects and the associated odor.

Object: Toilet Paper Roll.  I am always there when needed and indespensible.  Also, I’m white, tightly wound, and good at dealing with assholes.

At this point I have no idea how to summarze all of this.  I will let you, O Constant Reader, be the judge, jury and executioner.


8 Responses to “AutoTopic: If You Were An Inanimate Object, What Would You Be And Why?”

  1. Love it. So you could pretty much sum all of those objects up and call yourself a bachelor pad!

    If I could be an inanimate object, (sexual devices and undergarments barred), I would be a sign. Ideally a sign that tells people when they’re doing something stupid; like: Get out of the left lane!

    Anyway, great post!

  2. Thanks! I can actually visualize you as a sign, too. Probably a large, grahpic-arts middle finger or similar.

    I’ve been married too long to be a bachelor pad, but I think we all know there is some degree of bachelor in all men, married or otherwise…

  3. Fun post! 😀

  4. John Erickson Says:

    I think I’d have to go for a 70s muscle car. Big, comfy, and loves to go fast!
    Alternately, a KC-135 tanker. I love warplanes. Think about it. 😀

    • Yeah, and of course I considered an M1 Abrams for this one, but ultimately concluded that would be too obvious. And too close to truth on the weight.

      Thanks for the read!

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