Therapy Rant: An Open Letter To My Cat, Smudge

Again, we love our cats.  To be fair, this one is for the miniature cat pony…

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Dear Huge, Fatass, Lazy, Shit-Factory Monster Cat (Smudge),

Since you have lived with us for some time now, we would like you to consider some points of order for future reference that will make ongoing life in our home more enjoyable for everyone.

First, you should consider that you are a compulsive eater and will soon have an image problem, to be polite.  We certainly acknowledge that your breed is large to begin with, but the “big boned” claim pretty much is a ‘fail’ for humans as well.  You sound exactly like the adult human male in this house when you come down the stairs.  This is not something to celebrate.  Twenty-two pounds is something we should have in a home gym, not teetering around on the claw.

Second, the headbutting thing is getting old.  It was cute at first, and is entertaining to a point, but that point is reliably in the early morning hours when we’re sleeping and want to remain asleep.  This concept ought to be familiar to you given the number of hours you are in a cat coma each day.  You will have to trust us when we say that you will live a few more hours each morning without more kibble in your dish, because you could survive for half a month on your own body’s resouces.  As we told Dixie, humans are not nocturnal animals, and we would appreciate it if you could adjust your food-vacuuming hours as appropriate.  We worry that a whaling ship will tie off to the house and some grizzled old sailor will harpoon you to render you into oil.

Third, and again referencing the eating problem paragraph, you defecate excessively.  Input generally equals output.  We do understand that because you have no thumbs, it is impossible for you to manipulate the shit-sand scoop and clean up after yourself.  However, we do think it rather unfair that we have to perform this function as frequently as we do merely to faciltate your ongoing trajectory toward feline heart disease, cat gout, and a starring role in some feline Richard Simmons nightmare.  You will look gay in pink terrycloth legwarmers.  Your high-pitched voice will not help that issue at all.  I would suggest you have your testicles drop, but since they’re gone, maybe this is a moot point.

Last, please stop staring at Mom.  You are just creepy sometimes, and this behavior will make your eyeballs dry up.

Thanks for your close attention in these concerns.

/s/Mom and Dad

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8 Responses to “Therapy Rant: An Open Letter To My Cat, Smudge”

  1. TABOOME Says:

    MY DARLING HUSBAND-YOU FORGET THIS IS MY CAT WHOLE HEARTEDLY HE AND I ARE BONDED FOR LIFE. I BOTTLE RAISED HIM AS YOU WELL KNOW AND IF I COULD RIGHT NOW, I WOULD TAKE CARE OF BOTH CATS PISS AND DEFECATING AND MORE. AND WHATS THE WE SHIT? I LOVE THE BIG ASS BUTTING ME IN THE HEAD AND LAYING NEXT TO ME SPRAWLED OUT AS A HUMAN HOLDING MY ARM WITH BOTH HIS PAWS AS IF HE WILL NEVER LET ME GO. HE BRINGS ME GREAT PLEASURE AND ENTERTAINMENT AND A LOT OF THERAPY. AND IF I SPELLED ANYTHING WRONG, REMEMBER MY FINGERS DON’T WORK WELL AND I FELL ON MY HEAD DOING THAT DAMN CART WHEEL AND PAYING FOR IT. MY THOUGHTS…… AND I LOVE YOU BIGGER THEN THE UNIVERSE MY MAN BUT DON’T DIS MY 22 LB MAINE COON. LOL AND WHERE ARE THE PICS OF FOR OUR CATS W/THESE RANTS OF YOURS???? MUAH!

  2. Hmm . . . sounds a bit like the trajectory Tigger is on. 😀

  3. Oh my gosh! That cracked me up! I’ve four cats and know exactly what you mean! One is head butting me as I type. He cannot be scraped off of me with a spatula when he decides it’s time for attention!

    Smudge isn’t a Maine Coon by any chance is he? Because this letter could easily be written to our cat Ernie, who is part Maine Coon or as I like to call him “Mostly Maine Coon.”

    • As a matter of fact he is a Maine Coon, pureblood, blue color from what I can determine. When he adopted us he fit in my palm, abandoned in a storm window well by his mama who could not get him out. He’s now 22 lbs… Di bottle fed him and now he’s glued to her 24/7, as you mention. I put an earlier post about my cats with a picture of his fat ass up… no idea under what at this point other than it was a humor piece early on in my blog, probably in June.

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