Therapy Rant: An Open Letter To My Cat, Dixie
Disclaimer: We actually do love our cats…
Dear Lazy, Sleeping, Bulimic Hair-Log (Dixie),
Though I am unsure as to why I am even doing this since you would ignore me even if you did happen to understand English, I suppose that this will end up as therapy for me. There are some issues with your behavior that we need to discuss.
First, please stop the binge/purge behavior. Though I have noted and do appreciate that you always barf on a hard, easy-to-clean surface, I would point out that often that surface is the floor under my bare foot in the morning. I would recommend you wake the hell up and eat more frequently, and stop licking yourself so obsessively. You are the most anal, OCD cat I have ever known.
Second, you have separation issues we cannot deal with. Either that or you truly believe that I am your mobile, personal heating pad. This has ceased to be cute because I cannot change my pants every time you wish to sit in my lap for ten minutes of security/love/warmth. You emit hair like winos emit stench. Also, we do not watch you poop, and would appreciate not being observed when we do.
Third, wake up and participate in family activity when the family is awake. Humans are not nocturnal animals and have no interest in hearing your loud, bloodcurdling cat-yells at that hour of the morning or evening. Had we desired an alarm-clock pet, we would have opted for a rooster. We don’t see your advancing age as a reason for this behavior, and increased activity would certainly help with those six saggy cat boobs.
Thank you for your attention in these matters.
/s/Mom and Dad