Angry Rant: Open Letter to The Professional Networking Site Group Discussion Troll

 Troll (colloq., n): One who purposely and deliberately (that purpose usually being self-amusement) starts an argument in a manner which attacks others on an internet forum without in any way listening to the arguments proposed by his or her peers. He will spark of such an argument via the use of ad hominem attacks (i.e. ‘you’re nothing but a homo’) with no substance or relevence to back them up as well as straw man arguments, which he uses to simply avoid addressing the essence of the issue.

The above definition is provided courtesy of Urban Dictionary (click here).

“Dear Douchebag Professional-Networking-Internet-Site-Group-Discussion Troll:

   “You, my unconditional and decided nonfriend, are a douchebag of epic proportions.  I cannot understand your anger, rage, or other psychotic issues that drive you to do nothing but (essentially) act as a Devil’s Advocate Punching Bag to others who only want to log in, express an opinion, and be done.  No, dillweed, you feel the need to belittle everyone’s intentions, intellect, reasoning, and argumentative skill.  This on top of the fact that all of us in this discussion, each and every one, graduated from the same highly-rated, semi-almost-ivy-league-but-government-funded military institution.  Apparently you absorbed as little as possible about Duty, Honor, and Country while you were ensconced there, and have little mutual regard for anyone who endured the process that helped make each of us what we are.

   “We all love how passionate you are about fighting Big Government, even to the point of refuting what you signed on to execute by the nature of your enrollment.  How awesome is it that the vacillating nature of Army manpower needs allowed you to bail like a tearful, crying little Britney at the first opportunity to establish yourself as The Only Viable Opinion of whatever social connection site you want to pollute with your bile.  At this point, after having been electronically sodomized by your miniature intellect (yeah, I didn’t even feel it go in, micro-dick), and having watched you digitally defecate all over perfectly reasonable people who only wish to participate, I can only speculate how you ultimately came to be as you are, and I hope you find a good program for Victims of Male Rape that will help you move on past your rage.  At this point I am ashamed you are of my common schooling and would, if possible, come and cut that ring off your body with the finger still in it, you blabbering assclown, merely to prevent you from tarnishing our collective image.

   “Should you not, you know, ‘get it,’ … I really couldn’t care any less about how outraged you are.  I am a parent of teenage girls, so please trust me when I say that there is no kind of outraged, menstrual drama you can possibly bring that will come close to matching the level of emotional megatonnage to which I have been exposed by a fourteen-year-old girl.  No, please, don’t try to interject with emotionally-charged invective.  I have seen the way you operate:  a quick initial denigration of someone’s opinion to ‘pick the scab’ if you will, then after a heated response, you cooly use terms describing illogical argument paths to assume your intellectual superiority.  We all love seeing the ‘ad hominem attack,’ as well as the ‘strawman’ categorizations when applied to us.  This, hypocritically, spews from your stunted brain as you use the selfsame techniques against us.  An additional and quite entertaining feature is the use of very rare and British-sounding words like ‘vapid’ or ‘pusillanimous’ in an attempt to intellectually bludgeon us into blog submission.

   “In truth, this makes you a troll, sir, of the highest order.  Were I you, I would live in fear of physical harm should someone who stuck with the U.S. Army past the rank of (very) junior Captain choose to come find you and provide you a real and true reason to cry like the girly little nugget of fecal matter that you are.  The real reason you are not challenged as much as you hope is because most of us pity your sorry, misguided, drama queen ass and merely choose to ignore you like one would an insect.  Get some counseling to help yourself before your online screed gains the attention of Federal monitoring software.  That, or for the love of God come out of that closet you’re locked inside.

   “To put this in Monty Python terms, ‘You, Sir, are a buggering kniggit, and I completely shite upon your pretentious arguments.  Go away, you turd, because you embody the word ‘fail,’ or challenge me anew so that I may abuse, ridicule and degrade you an additional time.’

   “Signed, Angry and Experienced Veteran With a Life.”

… *burp*  Wow that felt good.  That is what I call THERAPY.

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6 Responses to “Angry Rant: Open Letter to The Professional Networking Site Group Discussion Troll”

  1. Love it!
    Thank you for your service.

  2. Great review! This is truly the type of post that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not ranking this post higher!

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