Bacon!

Okay, I know there is a buttload (English measurement used here. Metric is the assload.  One buttload is equivalent to 3.562 assloads, or 3562 dingleberries) of web material out there on the topic of the most glorious of meaty foods, but you know, some things just deserve some more electrons arranged about it.  And that, of course, is bacon.  Bacon! (you just have to shout about it).  I am of course referring to the amazing and delicious floppy strips of mostly-lard cured pig.  Up front, we need to acknowledge that Canadian bacon is exactly that: Canadian.  Not bacon.  Come on, it’s a friggen round ham cut in slices.  Italians do ok with prociutto (technically a ham) and pancetta (questionably bacon).  English bacon isn’t bad at all, but it somehow falls just short of baconawesome. In the hierarchy of meat, bacon is clearly at the top of the pyramid.

Is there anything that bacon (bacon!) can’t do?  I’ve yet to find anything.  It defines the most important meal of the day in greasy diners coast to coast.  It makes lettuce and tomato worth eating.  It adds a sensual flavor layer to thousands of foods.  It flavors vodka (bacon!).  In fact, I imagine that if someone made bacon ice cream – and I have no doubt someone has done this – it would be appropriately and awesomely delicious.  Come one, admit it – the idea does not immediately strike you as disgusting, does it?  Uh huh, thought as much.

Rumor has it that Apollo 11 and subsequent lunar missions found bacon on the moon, launching a massive cover up that resulted in NASA and President Nixon deciding to merely tote home rocks.  This measure was taken not to hide moon bacon from the public but rather to prevent the aliens from knowing about it, since the reason they journeyed their little gray butts across the galaxy was, after all, for.. of course.. bacon.

I am personally convinced that bacon can attain world peace.  The only thing keeping that from happening is the fact that some beliefs preclude consumption of pork.  Not that I’m saying that’s a bad thing, because we all gotta believe what we believe.  But just think if 6.5 billion folks had their own plate of bacon all at once.  I dare you to tell me anyone would be shooting at someone for at least five minutes.  Double dog dare you.

I don’t know about you, but I’m stopping now and heading to the kitchen.  Yes, for bacon.

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4 Responses to “Bacon!”

  1. Sarah Says:

    haha.. i have a picture to show you.. i’ll try to post it on here when i get off. you’ll love it 🙂

  2. I actually think the metric measurement would be “Arse-load.” And bacon is eww.

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